Without Him, there would be no me.

Hello my rebels and not so rebels!

It’s New Post Wednesday! Yay! Btw that’s not a real thing, I completely made it up but it sounds good so I’m going to try and make it stick. lol I hope you’re all having an amazing week so far. Last post we talked about how much it annoys me when kids have social media accounts lol so this week I’m switching it up in a big way.

GOD. Jesus. Church. Love.

Alright, let’s talk about Him. Now I am aware I may have lost some of you once you saw the words above but that’s where this post is going this week. So if you’re down to come down this LONG, bumpy road to how I found my way back to all of the above, please keep reading. If not, I’ll see you next week. I’ll come up with something fun, maybe. lol

So here we are… a little over a year into this new journey of growth and I am continuously working on building my relationship with God. I’ve always felt like I had a relationship with Him but I don’t think I’ve ever put in this much effort to learn more about my faith and to grow in my spirituality. I don’t consider myself to be religious but I am a very spiritual person. I don’t feel like any one religion needs to define you as long as you worship the one God, I’m good with that.

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Here’s a brief lookback into my history with the Man above:

I was baptised Catholic as it’s done in most typical hispanic families, went to catechism like I was supposed to then went on to receive my first communion. I honestly can’t remember much of what they taught me other than the “Our Father” prayer, how to get communion and… yeah that’s about it. The moment I knew that my experience with this religion I was born into was going to be different than all of the women before me in my family, I chose NOT to get my confimation. In the Catholic religion as you get older, you’re then moving on to the next phase of your religious life and pretty much all I remember was them saying that you had to stay Catholic, marry Catholic, convert the person if they aren’t Catholic to be baptised Catholic, a whole bunch of stuff that I didn’t feel was right in my heart to stick with.

Now don’t get me wrong, I 100% want my husband (whoever God chooses to bless us with) to go to church with me and my kids and for him to grow in his spirituality with us but I’m not going to force that man to leave his beliefs to make my “religion” happy.

Don’t worry future husband, I had your back even when I was 15. lol

Anyway, To me that was crazy so goodbye Catholic life, hello new path to God that I had no idea how to navigate.

Now being someone who is part of a family that doesn’t go to church or really participate in church activites, it’s hard to find your way. To make it sprinkle a little bit more difficulty I’m also someone who deals with mental illness on a daily basis, who used to be an addict and who has been suicidal in the past; it felt 10x harder to find the way to what I felt was a proper relationship with God. Let me say that one thing I learned along the way is that a relationship with God, to me, is the most important relationship you need to have in your life. Without God in your life it is easy to let negative thoughts consume your every thought, your every feeling, it becomes SO overwhelming to where it’s only given to your brain at that point that it’s going to lead to the devil trying to convince you that your life is not worth living. When those thoughts replay themselves over and over and you have to find the faith in your heart to live, to keep going… that’s when you realize that God is with you even in your rock bottom lowest.

I don’t know if you all have seen this meme that has been around the internet…

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I used to see this at some of my lowest points and it would open my eyes but only for a moment. I didn’t have a clear enough mind to realize this was God. Hope whispering is God whispering. I blew off the fact that I knew I wasn’t happy with where I was with my relationship with God and pretended to know what was best for me and my life. Honestly at that point in my life I was so consumed by the madness that I didn’t even know how to reach God until one day I finally decided it was time to go to church. I found a non-denominational church that was super welcoming from the very beginning. I was pretty consistent for a while, making sure that my daughter and I went every Sunday, did the whole Sunday breakfasts and everything. Over the years I did go to other churches and the feeling I got when I walked in those buildings sent me running the other way, like Sonic the Hedgehog out of there.

I’m not sure if you knew butttt I have tattoos, a lot of them lol, I have piercings, I’m a young single mom, I’m a walking, talking sin. Well at least that’s how I felt they saw me. There I was doing so well in my path then all it took were a few moments of insecurity kicking in and I was backing out of the commitment I made to myself to try and build my own relationship with God. I will say that those moments left such an impression on me that even now I have a hard time even thinking of going to a “traditional church”. I’ll take my rock band non demonitional church any day!

I bet you’re wondering how I got here, what brought me to this point. Well honestly a lot of different factors to me getting to comfortable with my relationship with God again.

I had a pretty traumatizing child birth (if you want to read about that, here’s the link Celebrate Life) but from the moment I knew I was bringing this amazing little boy into the world I prayed. I don’t think anyone even knew that I was praying but I was praying harder than I think I even knew how to in that moment. If you read the post you’ll remember how I said I always had a feeling that something bad was going to happen so the moment I knew it was time to push I prayed. He was put on my chest and I just remember praying that he was okay, not even thinking that I would need to be praying for myself until that moment came where I was rushed into the OR. I remember feeling like I was going in and out but I watched every single light on the ceiling and prayed to My God the hardest than I ever have in my entire life because I did not want to leave my babies. I asked him to please be with the doctors, please be with my kids and please let me survive so I could be a mom to my kids and by the Grace of God, here I am typing this post.

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When my doctor told me what happened the next afternoon, that’s when I knew miracles do happen, God is real.

Not that I wanted to have doubt in Him in the past but when you feel like God is the reason all the things were happening to you instead of taking responsiblity for your actions that lead you there, it’s easy to blame the lessons of life on Him.

I can say that from that moment on I knew that my relationship with God was going to be an ever growing one. It was not easy to get to the point that I’m at now where my love is forever growing and my heart is forever grateful for our God because I now know that you can’t lose with Him in your corner.

This second half of my road back to this relationship with God was actually revved up because my children were going to church on the weekends they weren’t with me and with their fathers. They would come home and tell me how they had a great time learning about Jesus and all they did in church. I then realized that the only way they can continue this path to learn and follow Jesus’ path is if I lead by example. I realized that I can’t tell them to learn about God and to live life with love if I wasn’t willing to do the same.

The second Sunday we were at church together as a family, the kids were in their areas and I normally sit in an upper wing so no one can see me and I can enjoy the message in solitude.

lol I’m kind of anti social, don’t judge me.

But anyway, this second Sunday I was sitting in my seat listening to the worship song being sung and I felt this swelling feeling in my chest and in my throat and there I was balling my eyes out.

For the first time I felt God in my heart, in my soul and my spirit.

I made a new commitment to God that day and I haven’t looked back. I found this tweet below (I never know if these things are real or not lol) and it hit home completely.

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I’m learning to read scriptures through my bible app that has bible plans so I can understand what I’m reading. The littles and I pray every night before bed and sometimes in the mornings before school. If there’s some reason I don’t make it to service that Sunday I try to watch it on facebook live or if I can’t watch it in the moment I go back to watch the service and get the message for the week. It has not failed me yet but every single message since I’ve gone back to church and gave my life to God has hit home and I’m thankful for that because I’m learning new ways and new perspectives when it comes to handling and living out certain situations in life. I’m learning to approach life more now than before with Love and Light and nothing less.

It’s not easy to grow spiritually or even admit it’s time to rebuild a relationship with God, I literally make an effort to grow everyday but I thank Him for giving me another chance to do so everyday.

If you’re thinking about rebuilding your relationship with Him, do it. You won’t regret it. 

Next Post:

I’ve talked about it for a while now and I’ve been avoiding it. I’m not sure why but I think it’s time for my post dedicated to the first guy who came into my life that I loved from the moment I met him, my brother. I’ll go into our childhood, what it was like growing up 9 years apart and all the ways I may have traumatized him as a kid. lol Good times 

Til then…

Love & Light. 

V. 

 

 

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