Hello fellow rebels…. And my not so rebels!
First and foremost, I want to start by saying…
Thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to read my blog posts. You’re going to get a first-class VIP seat to get know a side to me that not everyone else gets to see. I may not be comfortable with all that I share but hey you don’t grow unless you’re “uncomfortable”. I’m learning to be unapologetically me in every aspect of my life again and this is the beginning. With that said I will say again, thank you.
Let me start by saying that writer’s block is a bitch.
I started this blog because I know that I have so much on my mind that I can just type out and someone may be interested. I became inspired to write again once I noticed that a few months ago I was in a pretty dark place, feeling down every day, not wanting to talk to anyone and not even really wanting to see anyone and today I don’t feel anywhere close to that. Although I have my moments, I feel blessed.
I’m inspired to grow more into the woman I want meant to be, as a mother, as a business owner, as an employee, as a cheer coach, as every title I hold, I’m ready to grow. I was scared that the growth wouldn’t come or when it would finally come I would be scared of it. Most of all I was scared that I would be stuck in that place of darkness like I have been in the past. With the news of one of my favorite lead singers from the band Linkin Park, Chester Bennington committed suicide recently, a switch flipped in my head.
All of a sudden here I am typing and just letting the words flow out of me and I honestly don’t remember the last time that happened. As a woman who was once a dumb, young mother I made decisions that weren’t the smartest but I learned a far greater lessons in life than I have ever learned sitting in a classroom. When I was going through my toughest days I always held it in, never addressed it and here I am actively trying to get myself out of the dark place because I have learned to recognize my triggers. I’ve learned to recognize when I start to spiral. Had this been 6 years ago, I don’t think I could be where I am now. 6 years ago I was a woman who was hurt, mentally, emotionally who pushed on because I had a baby girl who I knew was looking up to me to make the right decisions in life. 6 years ago I made the decision to be a sober woman. I took prescription pills for a year straight, let’s just say that 2010 was an extremely tough year for me all around. I believe it was the moment that I was sitting at work waiting to take a phone call and all I wanted was 2 Percocet and I had ZERO. Working at a call center when withdrawals start to kick in is the worst place to be. I remember being on a call with a customer and asking my manager to finish my call. I went to the bathroom, threw up 3 times because all I could taste was metal in my mouth. I remember thinking the next 3 days that I was cold turkey going through withdrawals that I wanted to die. I did want to die. I felt that everyone and even my daughter would be able to live a happy life without me because I was just too much of a burden. I ended up going to the hospital, at the time it was because I was having withdrawals but you don’t tell people that, at least I didn’t.
I didn’t tell anyone anything.
It was MY silent struggle.
I lost so much weight, I lost contact with most if not all of my friends and was really living a life that if my life was taken at that time I didn’t care. At that time my relationship with God wasn’t what it is now but it took for me to get through that. Once I finally got clean from the pills, I turned to alcohol and woke up in the emergency room on my 25th birthday with a right eye that I couldn’t open. To see the look on my daughter’s face when that happened I knew a change was needed. I got a hold of a few more pills and stopped the drinking because of course you don’t mix pills and alcohol, until that’s exactly what I was doing. The spring into 2011, I remember driving to the beach at 2 am and sitting on my favorite life guard station and staring into the ocean for hours. I was there until 4 am just crying my eyes out. I told myself I would get myself out of this darkness. With the help of my aunt and my therapist, I got past that stage and told myself I would never get there again.
Until Temptation comes knocking….
And you want to tell it to go the hell away and never come back. (If only it worked like that)
I made it through that time and anytime I find myself in the dark, I remind myself how incredibly blessed I am. I’ve made it through situations that could have wound up with me in jail, with me losing my life or losing custody of my daughter and I will forever be thankful for making the changes in my life that I had. I turned all my problems into prayers or journal entries. I learned who my true friends are and who will be there when I need them the most. I have learned that even when I feel alone in my own mind, I’m not. Not in the least bit.
I tell you all of that, to tell you this. There will ALWAYS be darkness, but with darkness there will always come LIGHT. Don’t tell yourself you can’t, you won’t or that you don’t. There are people that love you, there are people who care enough to listen and there are so many reasons worth living for. I’ve noticed over the years that I have known this all along but sometimes people, myself especially, just need a reminder to find their way back to the light. It’s not as far off as it may seem.
“The happiest people don’t have the best of everything, they make the best of everything they have”
Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255